4:15 am

When I’m in a manic-depressive state…I see, feel, experience my life and everything in it, in an exaggerated way. For those who have never experienced this…it’s like riding the biggest, fastest roller coaster in the world…it can be exhilarating, thrilling and very scary. Emotionally the highs are amazing, and the low points are shattering. It causes me to behave in extreme ways more often than not.. Over the years I’ve largely ignored my illness, but have been unable to escape the devastating impact it has had on my life. It’s only been over the last few years that I’ve come to fully recognize how truly fucked up I am….now where do I go from here?…I don’t want to do anti-depressants, I tried meditation a few times in my life…but it only helped a little…even meditation became victim to my dysfunction….maybe I lacked commitment…idk? But now that I’ve at least acknowledged to myself and the world ( well the world of WP…where nobody views me or knows me…I’m such a chickenshit..ha) that I’m suffering from a mental illness, perhaps that’s a start in the right direction…remaining hopeful?

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3 thoughts on “4:15 am

  1. Admitting things to yourself is the first step forget everyone else. You have to realize things first. My mother did meds for a long time and it was very helpful when she was committed. Then when she tapered off and decided she did not want to do them anymore she did not! And has managed without them despite what professionals wanted for her. She has managed without them for nearly 5 years now and though she still has high and lows she does well. However, my brother who has severe bipolar and maybe some other comorbid issues cannot do this. His highs and lows are too extreme and though he realizes he needs help and needs his meds (sometimes) he is not in control at all. Everyone is different. Both refuse therapy though I personally like therapy though I only have anxiety.

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