Not quite sure….

Not quite sure why I decided to blog about my mental health problems here. A friend once told me it helps to write things out. Unfortunately, I don’t think this friend wants to speak with me anymore. Think my obsessive compulsive nature ( I was constantly contacting this person, went way overboard trying to be a good friend) & my dysfunctional imagings ( thought my friend didn’t care enough about me, so I lashed out) have ruined our relationship. But that’s very much the story of my life…don’t have any real friends because I drive them away with my craziness. And I long ago gave up on ever trying to have a romantic relationship with anyone….my last one was over 25 yrs ago…it lasted about 2 -3 months, (my longest) she left me and ended up marrying someone else 2 months later. Really fucked me up at the time…and very much closed me off to ever putting myself in that kind of situation again. I lead a very solitary existence by choice, necessity, and circumstance. Fortunately I entered the world of social media about 3 years ago ( before that I thought sites like Facebook, my space, etc were stupid…with a bunch of fake, narcissistic people, pretending to be something they’re not) and was able to forge some connections that have helped me not feel totally isolated from the world. That’s one aspect of my illness that I continue to struggle with, a perpetual feeling of loneliness that’s always with me ( except when I’m on a manic high, then all is good in the world). Even when I’m at family gatherings, or out with people I know ( I go most places alone)…I feel isolated, different, apart from those around me. Well think that’s enough self disclosure & self-reflection for today. To those that may read this, be well and I’ll try to do the same.

4 thoughts on “Not quite sure….

  1. This scares me a little….just got out of a similar relation…is it going to screw me so bad…so far condition has been too miserable! I don’t want to accept loneliness as part of my being..and please don’t be offended.

    1. It’s ok….I’m not offended…I don’t want to accept it either….but for me it seems I have no choice… well…those of us that feel too deeply carry scars that heal slowly at times….may your healing be soft and swift. ღ

      1. Yeah thanks but that is not happening soon…I am pretty sure. I guess it is okay to feel deeply and carry these scars and not wait for their healing. May be one can accept these scars and move ahead..! I hope I am making some sense.

  2. Give yourself permission to feel whatever emotions arise. Sometimes the greater the sorrow, the greater the joy. Meaning that by going through sorrow, we learn to appreciate and feel the times of joy in life all that much more. Peace my friend ღ

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